Matty

I was there
I was there
pills in hand
head full of grief

I was there
I was there
end it all
fucking get it
over with

I was there
I was there
now I am stronger
The demons are gone

I was there
I was there
Still am
once in awhile

I was there
I was there
Which is why
I want to help you

I was there
I was there
which is why
I am coming back

Love
in English
one mere
word.

Love
felt by
many, offered
by few.

Love
Truly felt?
How does it
feel?

Love
I have it,
he has it,
does she?

Love
so true
tears burst
out of eyes.

Love
that feeling
felt by
few.

Love
between me
and you.

I cry at the thought
of so few experiencing
so much.

I cry at the thought
of women loving so
strongly the want to
be held to be taken
care of.

I cry at the thought
of their self hate
being so ingrained only
a man can make them
whole.

I cry at the thought
of men abusing this
power the have been
given.

I cry at the thought
of the pain endured
year after year for
a touch of stability.

But it is never truly
there, the sense is
all it is, it holds
no truth.

Only more pain
which brings sorrow
to my heart.

Money is oppressive. Back in the days of yore government funded artists. Even as little ago as 40 years the government funded the arts through welfare. Now people can’t live without “normal” jobs. Even then people barely live on what corporations are paying. Artists are barely free to create; you have to fit it in between making money. We live our lives for money. Without money you cannot eat, you cannot have a place to sleep. No one is taking care of each other anymore. No one is living for anyone but themselves. Without art you cannot capture the beauty of reality, or of fantasy. There is no more room for fantasy, you barely have enough time to watch a movie or read a book, much less visit a theater. Theater is for the bourgeois. Since when can only rich people enjoy art? I guess it has been that way for awhile. Old music was only religious because the church was the only thing that could afford to hire music writers. Every culture has its artists. That is one of the only true ways to document life. Now art is used to sell, sell, sell. Art as a means, not for the sake of it, not to just create. One of the best lines ever is from the artistic rock opera Rent—The opposite of war isn’t peace, it’s creation. What are we creating right now in our culture? What is the culture of the new millennial United States of America? We are constantly at war with each other, with our own families. Like in the civil war era, brother fighting brother, father fighting son. Families break up over ideologies. We are at a mental war with ourselves, each other and our own government. When will we as a culture be truly free? Martin Luther King, Jr. thought it may be when we are free at last. What does that mean? Who defines free? Free is when everyone is able to live their lives as they see fit. As long as we follow the old Pagan proverb of Do As Though Wilt As Long As You Harm None. We are always harming each other, pure selfishness. Taking care of others is taking care of yourself. Create beauty, create freedom. Love one another, a great Jewish Prophet once said that. He even believed in freedom from oppression but his belief system has been used for centuries to make war on other human beings. Is there anything that has been used not for war? Have we even taken love hostage? We use homosexual love for our culture war everyday! When will we all be free to create lives that we see fit and that are healthy for everyone involved? When will we all become Mother Theresa and take care of one another, to serve only to truly protect? How does killing equal peace? Peace for whom? Not for anyone involved. War creates casualties on both sides of the front. I guess violence is a form of creation also. So my point of creation not peace is semi bogus. How about the opposite of war is love. Flowers not bombs, hearts not hand grenades. Make love not war. Can we live life by just making love to everything we do and say? It is hard, but I believe completely worth it. Would you really not allow someone to get married if you truly made love to the ballot of which you filled out to choose someone else’s rights? If you really love someone would you cause them not to love, even if your religion told you to? Are the words of your culture always right? Do they always make love? Or do they cause more war and bloodshed, physically or emotionally? Make love not war has turned into a cliché, but with every stereotype there is a grain of truth. My grain of truth will be love. I vow to embed that grain into every thought, word and action that comes from within. Only then will my culture become anti-war, anti-hurt and anti-violence. If we all come out for love then the world will truly move forward and evolve into a place we can all call home. Love doesn’t hurt. You don’t always hurt the ones you love, selfishness hurts them, pride hurts them. By only truly learning to love will we all be free.

i am speechless.....
When will it ever end? When will peace between people happen?

"And in a sign of the lingering tensions, officials at a US Christian college in Oregon are investigating after a cardboard effigy of Obama was hung from a tree, recalling past infamous lynchings of African-Americans."

(http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20081005/ts_alt_afp/usvote1monthracismdiscrimination_081005060222;_ylt=AnpEgBxV1xviKkWkYch4ugNh24cA)

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. This sort of thing, though not about Obama, was happening all over college campuses last year. It amazed me then and it amazes me know. How are we still raising children to think that this behavior is ok? How does a human being decide that this sounds like a good idea? I keep having hope for the generations after me and then I hear about these things happening on college campuses. Are we teaching anything in History class both in High School and in College? Somehow I still have hope, somehow I still believe in the inherit good that is buried inside everyone. But what happened to these children that they think this is proper behavior and that it will lead to some greater good? It is all really hard for me to wrap my mind around. This whole situation reminded me of one of the saddest songs I have ever heard......

Southern trees bear strange fruit,
Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
Here is a strange and bitter crop.

Strange Fruit written by Lewis Allen
Sung by Billie Holiday

Sure it may be just cardboard in 2008, but if not reigned in, where will that lead to?

Last night doing research on surrogacy I stumbled across a fact that most clinics will not work with a surrogate who has never been pregnant. I emailed our potential surrogate and a friend of ours who we are calling our Pregnancy Manager this information. I also talked with my sister and asked if she would be at all interested in carrying the baby. She is actually seriously thinking about it. She said she would have an answer by Sunday, lol. As for the surrogate she e-mailed me and said that she has done some research on all this and that she found that out too because she was looking into working with an agency before we contacted her! She confirmed that the main reasons for wanting surrogates who have had at least one baby before is so that the clinic knows they are fertile and psychologically prepared for the pregnancy and bonding issues. She wants to get tested and see how fertile she is and is willing to go on medications to make herself more fertile, but the catch is is that her mother was fairly unfertile and had to do many medical things to become fertile. So, there's that. We have a surrogate who may not be fertile and who any clinic we want to go through will not work with. Though I am wondering if we can prove her fertility and that she is psychologically ready and able if that will move things along. How much further do we want to go? If my sister says yes should we just drop everything else? It would be a lot more economical to just artificially inseminate my sister rather than harvest her eggs, harvest my hubby's sperm, and IVF the surrogate. I am just worried about how psychologically taxing it would be on my sister when we have a surrogate who is all about it. Fertile heterosexuals really do not realize how easy their lives are.

So.....My sister said yes, she will give us eggs and we have a surrogate that really really wants to work with us. Now the problem. The surrogate has never given birth before and every clinic and surrogacy center I have looked at requires that the surrogate has given birth at least once before. ugh...it all had to be too good to be true. I am wondering if there is any loophole to be found, because the woman who wants to carry our baby is a nurse, a doula, and studying to be a midwife. She knows all the stuff. I guess the problem is is that because she has never conceived before it is hard to tell if she is fertile or not. Clinics don't want to work with women unless they can guarantee as much as possible that the embryo will take. I understand it from a business point of view but from a personal point of view it really sucks. I asked my sister if she would be at all interested in carrying the child also and she said she would think about it. She actually said "Possibly". It is a Plan 2, though I would really like to not put all the pressure of giving us a child on my sister. That would be a lot to go through. It would be asking a lot of her. I just really really want this to happen and everything was falling into place so fast. I was waiting for a wrench to come flying out. There has to be some kind of loophole that we can find. Like if the surrogate goes through a bunch of psychological testing to prove that she can deal with the bonding experience and come out in the end able to give up the baby, especially since she will not be biologically tied to the baby in any way. My quest continues. More questions to be asked, more answers to be found.

John and I have decided to pursue the surrogacy route to start our family. We have found a friend to be the surrogate and tomorrow I am calling my sister to see if she will still donate eggs. The whole thing is a bit frightening, but in a good way. John is tweaking a bit on the money aspect, which I can understand, but then again parenting in general is never cheap and we can walk away if nothing happens and we have spent to much money. I have a really good feeling about the whole situation though. I am just freaked out that I could be a papa very soon. I have talked about wanting it my whole life but knowing it could finally happen is scary! I will be in charge of keeping someone alive and making sure they turn out to be a good person. Wow. I am excited about the possibility of the child being biologically related to both of us. It really could be a mix of us together. John said I keep saying it will be a girl. She this, she that. I honestly don't really care what sex the baby is, I am not sure what my subconscious is trying to tell me. We have discussed what to do if my sister would not like to be a part of this and it is a little scarier. We could both use our little guys and have an egg donor and try to both have a kid that way or have a second one that is the opposite of the first. But that all seems to get really complicated, but a second best I guess. I just really want our kids to be a conglomeration of him and I. To hear, "she has your eyes and johns lips" or something like that. I think that would make me cry with joy. To be able to have something that straight people take for granted everyday. I take that back, to have something fertile heterosexuals take for granted because there are plenty of straight couples who are unable to have their own bio kids too. I am actually not freaked out at all about what other people are going to think or do. Though I would like to be a fly on the wall when my evangelical paternal family finds out what we are up to!! So much for being anti gay because of family values, lol. I really feel like John and I are trying to get pregnant right now. It is a strange feeling.

I am broken
I am tired
I am broken
My life is falling apart around me
I am broken
My body aches
It is broken
I am trying to fix it
Like I am trying to fix my house
To clean it up and make it work
It is my metaphor
It is my path
If I fix my house
If I clean my house
My life will be fixed
My life will be cleansed
It will mend itself
It will be stronger
The scars will make it more beautiful
But I have to get to a healing point before scars can even become an issue
The blood is still flowing
I don’t even have a bandage yet
I feel like I am reaching for the bandage
But no one is there to help me
I am screaming inside
I know the next step
The step after that and after that one
But I cannot reach them until this first step is taken
I am holding it all back
It is the only thing I can control
But the dam is breaking
The flood is coming
It leaks out of my mouth
I take it out on the one whom I should not
I am pissed, I am mad
But to whom do I direct it
I can only direct it inward
And then it spreads
It comes out in physical pain
It comes out in frustration
There is no good way for it to come out
These are the chips
I don’t know how to play them
And holding onto them is leading to insanity
My dam is cracking
Unless funding comes through to dismantle it in the most environmentally friendly way
My whole world will be flooded and destroyed
Completely broken

Be here now.
Be in the now.
Experience this.
Don’t say, but when…..
Say right now.
The path is so much more important than the goal.
The path is the teaching.
The path holds the power, without which the goal would not exist.
Experience what you are feeling; experience the power of your senses.
Reach beyond the senses to the valley of nothingness. Eternal calm.
Experience love. If it is not love do not surround yourself with it.
If it is not love, it is unholy, unjust.
Do it because you love to, to it to spread loving-kindness.
Be kind to all that cross your path. Be loving also.
There is enough violence and hatred within the world.
Why spread more? Why sicken yourself with its destructive power? It will only lead to dis-ease.
Bring forth a fountain of joy, love, kindness within you and it will make the world a better place.
It will feed that part of everyone who comes into contact with you.
It will heal the world, even those of which you do not know you are healing in your day to day actions.
Every action has a reaction, make it a good one.
Protect those you love with kindness and a good heart and it will fill their hearts with loving-kindness.
Meditate on this constantly.
You will thus bring peace to yourself and others.

i am lost in my pain. i am lost in my pity. i feel 12 again, i have not been this depressed in a very long time. i am turning back to the music of that time. i am getting lost in my old christian music. it makes me wonder why there is so much music released that is full of violence and hatred. why do we all hate ourselves and abuse ourselves? why do we hate each other and abuse each other? christianity never had the answers for me. it is a dead religion, it has been twisted and abused and made something that it was never meant to be. it is a religion of the powerful, the corporation. jesus never meant it to be that way (in my lofty opinion). he was a man of the people and for the people, and definitely not white, lol.
i miss the "community" aspect of christianity. i miss having something to believe in with all your heart, soul and mind. i explored unitarianism, i kinda liked it, i fully enjoyed the drum group i went to for awhile, it felt right, i need to go back. i need to find my place again. i feel lost. i feel goalless, i feel soulless. i need something to live for. i want something to live for. it used to be jesus, then it was myself, then it was john, then it was the baby, then that got ripped out of my arms (i still want to just let go and cry for hours about that). after that feel through my life feel apart. i separated myself from everyone and everything. i became self destructive. i almost sabotaged my marriage. i became a cutter in a way. i sought feeling where i should not have. i wanted so much to feel, to be loved, to love, to escape. i wanted to start new, to run from the pain. but i also wanted to feel the pain, though i felt like i could not. all of this shit stems from that. from that one loss. from the loss of my child. i feel like i can understand the pain my sister experienced when she lost her babies. i never held her inside of me physically, but she was growing in my heart everyday. it pains me every time i see her. i can barely look at her, i can not look at her parents,i look through them. i have to pretend she is someone else, something untouchable. i get so mad whenever i hear about the life her parents are giving her. it hurts because i know i could/can give her better. i need to stay detached from her, otherwise i may just run off with her. i would never, but that is what is in my heart. i don't know what i can do to keep her from turning out all fucked up. i am fucked up because of shitty parenting, i know how it feels and i do not want her to feel this.
i do not want her to feel this feeling of being ashamed of her own parents. i do not want her to feel completely disconnected from everyone she knows loves her. i am speaking of my own experiences. i feel no connection to my mother or my sister. i love them, i truly do, and i will mourn them when they die. but in life i feel such a minute connection. i want to feel close to them but all i feel is embarrassment. every reason i feel embarrassed of them i feel guilty for. they are so unlike me. kind of. we share a lot of behaviors but their lives are so different from my own and whenever we speak we have nothing to share. i have things i want to share but the always seem to cut me off when i try to share with them. they are more selfish than i am. i don't really think i am that selfish, i just know what i want.
no familial connection, baby ripped from my heart.
they family i once held so close to my heart ripped themselves away from me as soon as they found out i was gay. all they could do was tell me that i was a child molester who was going to die of aids and send me letters chock full of bible verses. my biggest challenge is that it was they who taught me to be honest. they ripped my foundation out from under me. i have never been able to fully build it back up again. that is my problem. i still am standing on sandy ground. i have not found a rock to build my house on. john is my partner for life, but we are that house together, he is not my foundation, he is not suppose to be. we both need to have our own foundations for our house to be strong. My mental and spiritual foundation is gone still. i have nothing to fall back on when things go crazy and start putting holes into my walls.
i need a community. i need food for my soul. i have food for my body and my mind. though i need to love and respect them more. how do i find a community, how do i feed my soul? i know it is not through jesus. i respect the thought, but the dogma does not flow with me. i really like what buddha had to say, and i really feel a connection with the earth. how do i feed that? i feel so at peace when the wind is washing over me. it feels like it is carrying my ickyness away. i want to find that in the city. i want to find that place to go to whenever i need to. i want to find peace. i need to find peace.
find peace, find the water to make mud to build a foundation.
i am tired. i am tired of being surrounded by negative. i am tired of being surrounded by greed. i am tired of the constant search for the next best thing. i want to be content, i want to be surrounded by happiness, by contentment, by peace, by love, by kindness. i am sick of the US american way of individuality and eating each other alive to get to the next level. i am tired of sticking out. i want to find others like me. others who think like me, who look like me, who want the same things out of life that i do. who want happiness and peace. who want to be kind, who want happiness more than money. money really is the root of all evil.
i really want to create again, not destroy.
i need to figure out how to do all of this with where i am at.

People really are beautiful. Complex, confusing, annoying, absolutely insane. But truly fucking beautiful because of all those things. We forget that deep down we all want to do and be good. The problem is is that we all see that good as being something slightly different. Because of this we all live in such fear of each other, thinking that the other is only out to make our lives hell. In actuality they are just trying to make the world good from their perspective. We have to remember that good is trounced by bad, especially in the society and culture of the United States of America. Bad sells, it is sensational. Good things are boring, yet these are the things we all need to focus on. Bad may be sensational and exciting, but it is a poison that is eating away at all of us everyday! Kindness is hard, but the hardest things in life are usually the ones that bring about the most beautiful things. It is like medicine, if it tastes horrible it will work amazing.

I received this quote today:

How do you know if the next act you are about to do is the right one or the wrong one? Consider the face of the poorest and most vulnerable human being that you have ever chanced upon, and ask yourself if the act that you contemplate will be of benefit to that person; and if it will be, it's the right thing to do, and if not, rethink it.

~ Mahatma Gandhi

In this culture we are so ingrained with individualism that it is blinding all of us. We never think about how our actions are going to affect everything around us, much less the people that are surrounding us. The butterfly effect is alive and well. Everything little thing you do affects everyone else, it is not daunting because everything they do affects you. Interconnectedness. The world really is small. 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon, i am sure you are linked to him somehow. We have forgotten that everyone is linked to us and that if one is starving we are all starving. Likewise if one is experiencing pure joy we can all experience that same pure joy. My mother always taught me that I am free to do as I please, as long as I am not harming anyone. Beautiful words to live by. I know that I want to discover that beauty buried inside everyone, especially those who are not like me or directly near me. I want to take my blinders off and see the world. I want to awaken from the winter of my discontent. (yes, it is a movie quote). Make life joyous again, make it beautiful. Sure there will be crappy times but if they were not there how would we learn? How would we know what joy really felt like?

I was working a fund raiser for B Girl B today and saw the most beautiful thing. There were a bunch of high school aged boys break dancing with some of the B Girls and others that were at Moxie. It was so beautiful, everyone was a different color, different age, but the were all communing with each other right there in the middle of the salon. The were challenging each other, but in a constructive, respectful way. You could see this amazing camaraderie between the boys and they were breaking with the girls like they were peers, it was one of the most beautiful things i have ever witnessed. Those boys are the reason i am to be a teacher. Finding that beautiful moment with such innocents, such grace, such amazing clarity. They may have been just having fun, but it was breathtaking to see them break so many social stereotypes and just be there with each other. I am so proud to say that they are the future. They are the ones who will be running the show in a matter of time. They can inspire so much in everyone else, we need to take watch in what they are doing now and learn from them.
They broke me down, they made my inner core surface and come bursting out of my eyes, i have not felt happiness like that in a long time. I have not felt so whole, so knowing of who i am and what i am suppose to be. They made me realize that we get so drudged down by the negative of everyday and we forget how much fucking beauty there is in the world. How much positive things there are to be happy about. We are killing ourselves by living so negatively all the time. We hardly know any positive anymore. Open up your eyes, open up your mind, get out of your own existence inside your head and see all the beauty that is bestowed upon us everyday! Who cares about being the best, about being right, about all this aggressive competing that we do with each other, with ourselves. Step back and actually smell the roses. You life will be that much sweeter. Learn to be in that moment, I did that today and it was better than anything i could have ever gotten from any drug, from any lengthy meditation. To just be and feel the energy of everything around you, no one does that anymore. We are all in each others energy fields all the time, why can't we learn to take the positive of that? Why do we feed of the negative of it all? It is my new goal to never react to anything in a negative way, no one is out to attack me and if they are it is because they themselves are unhappy. Be the light in the world, be the beauty. I can no longer take on other peoples suffering. I can no longer soak that up. Negativity only begets negativity. What about being positive? Can it have the same effect. It is a lot harder, but so is climbing a mountain, but when you get to the top the view is fucking amazing. I want to live in that view.

Why can i communicate much better through writing then through talking?
Why am i more motivated on "time wasters" than homework?
Am i interested in my genealogy because i am looking for something to connect to?
Instant gratification.
Buddha has a big belly because he is not sucking it in. He is relaxed, belly breathing, not anxious. Calm. very calm. and joyous. Very JOYFUL.
Chakras that are off:
ROOT---RED---Basic Survival Needs
Anxiety, Worry, Depression, low back pain

THROAT---Blue---Expression and Communication
Poor communication, lying, manipulative, selfish, restless, sore throat, neck and shoulder pain

THIRD EYE---Indigo---Insight and Intuition
Inability to follow through, blaming others, ridicule/put downs, lack of spirituality, anxiety/depression, problems concentrating

CROWN---Aura---White--consciousness, liberation, Spirituality, unifies your individuality (personality)
sickness, disease, weakened immunity, lack of joy, fatigue, difficulty concentrating.

I need to reground myself!
I don't want to hold you back.
I need to let go.
I need to let go of the my insane duality of black and white, good and bad, my way and your way.
I need to find the middle ground, the gray i so strongly believe in.
I need to find that interconnectedness inside myself again, i need to just be and not fight so hard against everything.
I need to find my connection to myself again, my center.
I need to find out what my vision is.
I need to prioritize, to make lists, to decide what is important.
I need to make plans and stick to them.
I need to listen more and talk less.
I need to truly listen and not just hear.
When i talk i need to choose my words wisely and not just react.
I need to become an ocean, calm, wise; not a bomb, idiotic and fused.
I need to make happiness a priority and let unhappy things fall to the wayside.
I need to love the one i love with all my heart, soul and mind.
I need to not take love for granted.
I need to help people again.
I need compassion back in my life.
I need to be an understanding person, not a tyrant.
I need to let things out and not keep them in to tear my insides and my love apart.
I need to find wholeness.
I need to fine a connection with the world around me and not just a stage in which to act in.
I need to feel again and not be numb.
I need to fight my old urges, they cause no one happiness or joy. They only break my heart and his.
I need to find strength like the mighty warrior.
I need to find peace like the steadfast priest.
I need to find joy in my work again, here or elswhere.
I need to find a hero, a mentor. Someone to learn from, to aspire to.
I need to find and fuel my inner passions and desires, physical, emotional and spiritual.
I need to find courage to be myself, love myself, define myself and give myself what i need.
Do what you will, but harm no one.
I need to not harm anyone with my actions.
I need to have a pure, whole heart, mind and spirit.

I have never felt so limited by my sexuality as i do today. I have been
so used to being in a career where it is almost expected. I am now going into a career where being out could cost me my sanity, my job and possibly my life.


I am absolutley unable to produce. My want for children is going to be left up to bureaucrats and women who are not sane enough to raise their own
children. I can not just flippintly get knocked up, i will have to go through interview upon interview to decide thatyes, we are sane enough to have kids, even though the women who will produce our children will be crack heads, alcoholics, unstable individuals. It is ok for them to fuck and make a baby, but i will have to jump through hoops like a circus poodle to prove that i can raise that baby.